蜜柚直播

This week I sat down with Southern 蜜柚直播鈥檚 oldest living weatherman, Ned Nimbus.

You just celebrated your 127th birthday, Mr. Nimbus. Congratulations.

Thanks, sonny.

You knew some of the great weather forecasters?

Yep. I Knew 鈥淪unny鈥� Rodriguez, 鈥淪corcher鈥� Santa Cruz and 鈥淭riple Digit鈥� Jones. Taught Dolores 鈥淒ust Devil鈥� Dominguez and Michael Goodrich how to point.

You were doing the weather by telegraph when 鈥淪an Pedro Pete鈥� rode a lightning bolt in 1901?

Yep. Pete rode it clear from Tubac to Tortolita. Eventually ended up in Hollywood doing stunts for silent Westerns where he met a young Yosemite Sam on the lot and told him how he shot across the 蜜柚直播 sky shouting, 鈥淢ah biscuits are burning!鈥� 鈥� a phrase Yosemite would later make famous in many a Warner Brothers cartoon, slapping his smoldering buns.

When did you do your first weather report?

I issued my very first flash-flood warning before there was nary a pueblo in the Old Pueblo. It was a volcanic lava alert. Even then, there was always some Neanderthal who鈥檇 ride his mastodon right into the flaming river. Saw a pterodactyl hit by lightning. Better than fried chicken.

Where鈥檚 our rain, Mr. Nimbus?

Drought sure makes folks edgy. In territorial days the last varmint to sing, 鈥淩ain, rain, go away, come again another day,鈥� was lynched between two horse thieves.

Can鈥檛 blame 鈥檈m. Some folks here ain鈥檛 never seen rain 鈥檆ept in picture books, or maybe they heard some cowpoke tellin鈥� tall tales around the campfire about things looking like teardrops falling out of giant cotton ball-like things called 鈥渃louds.鈥�

Is it possible to make it rain?

Folks here鈥檒l try anything to make it rain, even some nonsense called cloud seeding. How you gonna get your tractors and plows up there?

Some wash their cars. When I was kid we鈥檇 wash our buckboards. Grandpa even tried washing Grandma. Nary a drop.

Then there鈥檚 the Precipitation Peddlers.

Last Rain Man come to town was a feller named Dustin Hoffman and he was no help, aside from telling us what the weather was on a Tuesday in 1639.

蜜柚直播ans go crazy when it rains. Why?

Soon as them tiny drops spank them creosote leaves and tap dance on our tin roofs we slip 鈥檔鈥� slide all over our roads and drive into flooded washes. Our 鈥淪tupid Motorist Law鈥� was modeled after Tombstone鈥檚 鈥淒anged Fool Rule of 1883鈥� which declared that any 鈥渋d-jit dumb enough to drive their wagon into a crick deeper than the Rio Grande gets what鈥檚 coming to 鈥檈m, including a bill for the rope and mules, or we鈥檙e throwin鈥� 鈥檈m back in.鈥�

Heck, I found a 鈥淰illage Idiot Code鈥� dating from 1378 which read 鈥淵e ride into my moat, Ye best pray ye float.鈥�

Do 蜜柚直播ans love rain?

Does a javelina stink when it鈥檚 wet?

I know fer a fact Karen Carpenter never spent much time in 蜜柚直播. How else could she write 鈥淩ainy days and Mondays always get me down?鈥� We鈥檇 welcome a month of Mondays if they were rainy!

Spot a drop and we start singing in the rain. What a glorious feelin鈥�, we鈥檙e as happy as Gene Kelly again, hoppity-scotchin鈥� across puddles giddy as Colorado River toads.

You鈥檝e seen historic floods?

Yup. Seen a wash fill up faster than a saloon spittoon in Saskatoon. Before noon. Big monsoon. Saw the Gullywasher of 鈥�92 and the Santa Cruz Soaker of 鈥�29!

One flood season was so bad I saw two fellers, name of Lewis and Clark, canoeing down the Canyon del Oro wash, followed by a Kon Tiki raft complete with a National G-O-graphic film crew followed by a boat called 鈥淭he Minnow鈥� packed with fools that had done set out for a three-hour tour. I larnt the first 鈥渄o not enter when flooded鈥� sign was posted at the Red Sea 鈥檆ause I seen one of the pharaoh鈥檚 chariots float past that same day. That鈥檚 the year I gave up licking the backs of toads.

You know how you can tell can tell when rain鈥檚 coming? Watch your desert tortoises. When they tuck in their feet and sprout periscopes, it鈥檚 time to head to higher ground.

Why do we freak out when it rains?

Because rain is more rare in 蜜柚直播 than toenails on a tarantula.

Pardner, rain always triggers the following six stages:

1. Flood warning

2. Thunder boomers

3. Rainy drops

4. Stampede out into the rainy drops

5. Sirens!

6. A million mommas yelling at their whippersnappers, 鈥淵ou best not bring that mud into this hacienda!鈥�

Any tips for newcomers ?

Yup. Chubasco ain鈥檛 a dance; it鈥檚 a storm that鈥檒l blow your spurs off and El Ni帽o is Spanish for 鈥淭he鈥� Ni帽o.

Ned Nimbus鈥� secret to a long life?

Always wear a smile behind your mask and don鈥檛 enter any danged place when its flooded with rainy drops or them corony virus bugs.

Thank you, Mr. Nimbus. Will it ever rain?

It always rains. Monsoon or later.